he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
