Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
