You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
