I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
