Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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