Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
