I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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