I faked an abortion last night.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
