Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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