the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
