WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
