is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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