I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
