If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
