I think I died a long time ago.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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