Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
