last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
