Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Randomize
