May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's blow job season.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
