There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
