Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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