but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
