Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
