you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
