Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
