I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I think your dad took our porno
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
