If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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