Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
