just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
