So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
