I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Randomize
