I wanna passion pit in your ass
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
