I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
