i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
