I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
