He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize