Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Sext me about skeletons
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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