I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
People in love make me want to vomit
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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