Someone shit on the floor
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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