Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Actions speak louder than pants.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
