At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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