so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
