I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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