you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just high enough for therapy.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
