sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
