He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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