shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Pants 0. Shit 1.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just took my morning after pill in the library
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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