Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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