remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
