True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
