if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
