mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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