Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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