do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
