Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
