I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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