i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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