You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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