dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
