I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
