After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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