im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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