Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
