So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
