I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize