meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Yo dont text me then not text me
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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